Side order of Class

I have been looking through some of my restaurant writing from the past few years.
How many times did I experience this lovely exchange...

Guest: "I'll have a salad."

Me: "Sir, which salad would you like (pointing to the extensive salad selection)?"

After awhile I became skilled in anticipating how the rest of this conversation would go. Usually something like this:

(Ignoring the salad selection offered) "I just want a regular garden salad."

"Sir these are the salads we offer." (pointing to the salad section of the menu)

"Don't you just have a regular garden salad?"

Emphasis on the regular as if the salads offered by this conservative, corporate steakhouse behemoth are marginal, trendy, or otherwise "exotic."

Torn between an oath to exceed the guests' expectations and the strict guidelines of the infamous "spec," the outcome of this exchange was the result of a delicate balance of several factors, one being the level of agitation evident from the guests's tone. After the salad palate is appeased, hopefully after minimal modifications the ever predictable questions keep on coming:

"What comes with the steak?"

"Everything is ala carte m'am."

"Nothing comes with the steak?? For $42 and I don't even get any vegtables? "Well what can I get if I pay for these special sides"

"All of the ala carte sides are listed on the menu."

Keep in mind that the menu at this particular restaurant consists of a verbal account of selections accompanied by a single-sided menu card. Yet questions are endless. Very often they are stupid questions.

It always amazes and amuses me (in a sick and twisted way), that people who pride themselves on such distinguished taste and premium class believe that because they are paying more than average for high quality products and services, they own you for the evening. As a server you know nothing. You should be so lucky to provide food to such a caliber of people. Generally very few appreciate the concept of understated elegance, affluence, or class. Understated anything for that matter: makeup, perfume, attire. The more the better. Except where the gratuity is concerned.