Tonight I decided to use "The Porterhouse" as the alias for the man in my stories that I am currently referring to as "N."
N is too easy, and not decriptive enough as aliases go.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Congratulations Goodbye N
Here come those famous words again. Dripping with excitement, guilt, sadness, security, and nostalgia, " I spoke to N tonight."
MY Silver Fox.
It was a big one for me. I was informed by my current GM that N was recently promoted to regional mgr. I knew that meant that soon I would no longer be able to give him a late night call whenever I felt like it. Despite the fact that I have had no desire to talk to him since our last encounter in January, it still feels significant that the option will soon be gone.
So I called. I sucked up the bad feelings lingering from January and thought about the fact that I couldn't bear never speaking to him again. I wanted to hear his voice. His deep voice and sexy laugh.
He kept harping on the fact that I hadn't called him since our tryst in January. I pointed out that he had not called me either. That's when he brought up the angry, inebriated texts that I sent him the night he left my hotel, and I ended up wasted in Morton's on Conn. Ave. and sad about him leaving so abruptly. I felt sick when he mentioned the texts. He said that they freaked him out and that he has wanted to talk to me since then but felt uncomfortable.
I told him that I was drunk and surprisingly hurt at how fast he booked. I was very frank and said that I felt like he "couldn't get away from me fast enough." He was quiet and then admitted that he didn't know what to say to that. Then he finally stated that he din't want to get away from me, ("that wasn't it at all") but that of course I know that he has to go home to someone, he felt awkward and didn't want to explain. I pointed out that he didn't need to explain; in the 4 years since we first started this whole thing, I never, EVER asked him about his personal business. He acknowledged this fact and told me that he was glad that I called
I told him that I was not asking for anything from him and he said "that is questionable." He said that he knows if he called me it would have "stirred up emotions." That is great, but I know that if he truly wanted to talk tome then he would have called. That is okay. I feel good about myself. I just will always have a place in my heart for him. He is very special to me and I know that I am special to him. Regardless of his lack of calls and his frantic paranoia and guilt, I know that he cares for me. I just love seeing him. I wish his arms and body were more confident, and not riddled with guilt when he was with me in January.
I told him that the texts were not indicative of me, that I am not an angry person - he interrupted to tell me "No, you are a terrific person- a fantastic person." I told him however, that I was surprised myself at how hurt I was by how he left. I know nothing can ever grow between us but the painful reality is that there are feelings between us already. I want the best for him and I know that he is sincere when he says that he wants the best for me. I know he wants me to be happy and knowing that makes me feel comforted.
I also know that he is not completely fair with me. He teases me and I let him. I told him I called him tonight because I didn't want to never talk to him again. He said he was really glad that I called. I told him that I felt better after talking to him and he told me that made him happy.
It was some sort of closure for me. I care about him and want to have his presence in my life be a positive one. You never know what will happen in life and I am happy that at least he knows how much I care for him and that I was thinking of him. He shied away from the talk veering toward feelings/sex. It is crazy to think that this started in the fall of '04 and that we are still in contact. That makes me happy. And at least I can always contact him through J. And I do have his cell, for a text perhaps in an emergency situation.
I feel like I have to bury him mentally like I had before- only now I can feel okay that I spoke to him. I feel good but also a little sad. Glad that I spent the time I have with him but sad when I think of what never will be. But I want to be friends like he suggested. This is the first time in my life that I can tuly say that I want what is best for him even if it is not me; I would rather be friends with him than not have him in my life at all.
MY Silver Fox.
It was a big one for me. I was informed by my current GM that N was recently promoted to regional mgr. I knew that meant that soon I would no longer be able to give him a late night call whenever I felt like it. Despite the fact that I have had no desire to talk to him since our last encounter in January, it still feels significant that the option will soon be gone.
So I called. I sucked up the bad feelings lingering from January and thought about the fact that I couldn't bear never speaking to him again. I wanted to hear his voice. His deep voice and sexy laugh.
He kept harping on the fact that I hadn't called him since our tryst in January. I pointed out that he had not called me either. That's when he brought up the angry, inebriated texts that I sent him the night he left my hotel, and I ended up wasted in Morton's on Conn. Ave. and sad about him leaving so abruptly. I felt sick when he mentioned the texts. He said that they freaked him out and that he has wanted to talk to me since then but felt uncomfortable.
I told him that I was drunk and surprisingly hurt at how fast he booked. I was very frank and said that I felt like he "couldn't get away from me fast enough." He was quiet and then admitted that he didn't know what to say to that. Then he finally stated that he din't want to get away from me, ("that wasn't it at all") but that of course I know that he has to go home to someone, he felt awkward and didn't want to explain. I pointed out that he didn't need to explain; in the 4 years since we first started this whole thing, I never, EVER asked him about his personal business. He acknowledged this fact and told me that he was glad that I called
I told him that I was not asking for anything from him and he said "that is questionable." He said that he knows if he called me it would have "stirred up emotions." That is great, but I know that if he truly wanted to talk tome then he would have called. That is okay. I feel good about myself. I just will always have a place in my heart for him. He is very special to me and I know that I am special to him. Regardless of his lack of calls and his frantic paranoia and guilt, I know that he cares for me. I just love seeing him. I wish his arms and body were more confident, and not riddled with guilt when he was with me in January.
I told him that the texts were not indicative of me, that I am not an angry person - he interrupted to tell me "No, you are a terrific person- a fantastic person." I told him however, that I was surprised myself at how hurt I was by how he left. I know nothing can ever grow between us but the painful reality is that there are feelings between us already. I want the best for him and I know that he is sincere when he says that he wants the best for me. I know he wants me to be happy and knowing that makes me feel comforted.
I also know that he is not completely fair with me. He teases me and I let him. I told him I called him tonight because I didn't want to never talk to him again. He said he was really glad that I called. I told him that I felt better after talking to him and he told me that made him happy.
It was some sort of closure for me. I care about him and want to have his presence in my life be a positive one. You never know what will happen in life and I am happy that at least he knows how much I care for him and that I was thinking of him. He shied away from the talk veering toward feelings/sex. It is crazy to think that this started in the fall of '04 and that we are still in contact. That makes me happy. And at least I can always contact him through J. And I do have his cell, for a text perhaps in an emergency situation.
I feel like I have to bury him mentally like I had before- only now I can feel okay that I spoke to him. I feel good but also a little sad. Glad that I spent the time I have with him but sad when I think of what never will be. But I want to be friends like he suggested. This is the first time in my life that I can tuly say that I want what is best for him even if it is not me; I would rather be friends with him than not have him in my life at all.
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