Giving the Bullshit Some Perspective

I was close to death on June 25 of 2007. My life changed so much in just a few short hours. So much regret, relief, pain, and fear that I want to capture as much of it as possible. It helps me to write as fragments reenter my mind - to serve as a reminder for how far I have come, capitalizing on what intitially seemed like a colossal roadblock. I also need to reimerse myself in the pain so that I will never, ever subject myself to someone like that again.

I had a flash just a few minutes ago. He was suffocating me on the couch, with a blanket and his hands. Up until then, all of the physicial violence - although serious (bruises, scratches, a concussion, and a black eye) - had seemed like they were only to scare me. I had made the typical excuses to myself but had never, EVER entertained even a thought that he could possibly kill me. I was screaming my head off every chance I got after our altercation moved from the office into the living room. I was battered and a mess. I had scratches, cuts, and blood on my arms and face. It took all that I had to fight him in the office. He kept knocking me down and pushing me with such force that I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe his extreme violent behavior. Knocking me to the ground was what I wanted to avoid- the longer it went on the more I understood that my life was in jeopdardy - that he wasn't going to stop until I was subdued.

It took me 3 times to get results from calling 911. As soon as he heard me he disconnected it and tried to steal the phone. Little did he know that I had been using his phone since mine had died earlier. Thank God we got those new phones in January - the same phone model.